Divorce, Money and the Emotional Baggage That No Spreadsheet Can Solve

Let’s be honest – even if you’ve never done it, you can imagine how talking about money in the middle of a divorce can feel like trying to calm down a screaming toddler in the middle of the supermarket (maybe you haven’t done that either but you can follow my thoughts here). It’s rarely just about “who gets what” – more often, it’s about the hurt, history, power, and pain. And while family law aims to keep things fair and balanced, the truth is, when emotions are running high, even the most rational conversations about money can turn into open warfare.

And I get it. Divorce isn’t just a legal or financial event. It’s a deeply emotional one. It involves grief, anger, loss, identity, sometimes shame – and all of that emotional turmoil gets dragged into the room when it’s time to talk about the financial settlement.

It’s Never Just About the Money – It’s What the Money Represents

To someone outside the relationship, it might seem like the settlement should be easy enough. Add up the assets, apply the law, split them fairly – job done.

But here’s the thing: money in a divorce rarely just means money.

It might represent years of sacrificing a career to raise your children. Or the cost of giving up your independence. Or resentment that one person always earned more, made the decisions, or held the financial power. Sometimes the pension isn’t just a pension – it’s a symbol of the future you thought you’d share. The house isn’t just bricks and mortar – it’s your children’s stability, or the memories shared over a lifetime.

And so, instead of sitting down to calmly discuss the figures, couples end up going round in circles. One might be holding out for fairness, the other seeking justice – or revenge. Even when both people want to move forward, it can feel impossible to let go of what money has come to mean.

The Legal Framework Tries to Be Fair – But Emotions Aren’t That Neat and Tidy

In England and Wales, financial settlements on divorce are guided by Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. The courts look at things like the needs of each party (especially children), income and earning capacity, property and pensions, the standard of living during the marriage, and contributions made (both financial and non-financial).

The aim isn’t to punish one person or reward the other – it’s to find a fair outcome that allows both to have their needs met and to move on.

But here’s where it gets sticky: the law might aim for fairness, but fairness means different things to different people. And that’s where emotions can get in the way.

Why Couples Struggle – Even With the Best Legal Advice

Even with excellent lawyers, trained mediators, and sensible frameworks in place, divorcing couples often hit stalemates because the financial settlement is doing emotional heavy lifting.

Here are just a few reasons:

• Power dynamics: One person may have always controlled the money, and now the other wants to feel they’re finally standing up for themselves.
• Fear of the future: If someone feels financially vulnerable, they may hold out for more simply to feel safe – even if it’s not legally “fair”.
• Guilt or blame: If there’s been infidelity or betrayal, the financial settlement can start to feel like a moral reckoning.
• Identity shifts: Losing the family home, or a certain lifestyle, can feel like losing part of your identity – and people often dig in their heels as a way of clinging to something familiar.

So What Helps?

First, let’s be clear – legal advice is essential. But equally, so is emotional support and, I believe, financial coaching. People don’t just need help understanding what the law says – they need help navigating what they’re feeling.

That’s where I can really support in the divorce process.

I’m not here to replace your legal team. I’m here to help you think a little more clearly – to process the emotional fog so that informed, empowered decisions can be made and agreed. I help you understand your financial landscape, your fears, your patterns, and how you can rebuild a future that feels safe, balanced and (eventually) even hopeful.

Sometimes, just having someone to talk to who isn’t in the fight, who isn’t emotionally entangled, and who gets how money and emotion dance together – that can make all the difference.

Divorce is REALLY hard. There’s no sugar-coating that. But when couples begin to understand that their financial arguments are rarely about the actual numbers – and start to unpack what those numbers represent emotionally – that’s when real progress can happen. And that can save thousands of pounds in legal fees which might otherwise be spent on long and stressful litigation.