Why We Feel Shame Over Money Behaviours and How to Let It Go

Money shame. It’s a sneaky little devil, isn’t it? It’s that stomach-knotting, face-flushing feeling that creeps in when you’ve spent too much on a treat, forgotten to pay a bill on time, or realised you’ve been dodging conversations about debt for far too long. But why does shame latch on so tightly when it comes to money? And more importantly, how can we set ourselves free from it?

What Does Money Shame Look and Feel Like?

Let’s start by understanding what money shame actually is. It’s not just the guilt of making a mistake—it’s deeper and more personal. Shame tells us that we are the mistake. Instead of saying, “I messed up my budget,” shame whispers (or often shouts), “I’m rubbish with money” or “I’ll never get this right.”

Physically, money shame can feel like a punch to the gut. Your chest tightens, your heartbeat quickens, and your body might react as if you’re in danger. That’s because shame triggers the same fight-or-flight response as any other threat. And let’s be honest, when you’re looking at a mountain of overdue bills or thinking about the credit card you’ve been avoiding, it does feel threatening.

Why Are We So Ashamed of Our Money Habits?

The roots of money shame often dig deep into our past. Maybe you grew up hearing things like “We don’t talk about money,” or perhaps your parents fought about finances, making money feel like a source of conflict or secrecy. Society doesn’t help, either. We’re bombarded with social media snapshots of people living their “best lives” and making it look effortless—designer handbags, luxury holidays, the perfect kitchen. If you’re barely making it to the end of the month financially, it’s easy to feel like you’ve failed.

Then there’s the toxic myth that our financial worth equals our self-worth. People too often (and possibly unconsciously) link their value as a human to the size of their salary, their savings account, or even their ability to afford brunch every weekend. It’s a trap that leaves us feeling “less than” if we’re not ticking all the boxes of society’s version of financial success.

The Hidden Costs of Money Shame

Money shame doesn’t just mess with your head; it can affect your behaviour too. When we feel ashamed, we’re more likely to:

• Avoid the problem:

Ignoring bank statements or refusing to open bills might feel easier in the moment, but it only creates more stress in the long run.

• Self-sabotage:

Shame can lead to impulsive spending or giving up entirely on budgeting because you feel like, “What’s the point in even trying?”

• Isolate ourselves:

Feeling ashamed of your money situation can make you withdraw from friends and family, leaving you without support when you need it most.

How to Break Free From Money Shame

The good news? Money shame doesn’t have to stick around. Here’s how to start loosening its grip:

1. Name It to Tame It

Shame thrives in secrecy. By naming it, you take away some of its power. Talk to someone you trust about your money worries—a friend, a family member, or even a financial coach. Sharing your story helps you realise you’re not alone, and it’s often the first step towards healing.

2. Challenge the Narrative

Shame is built on negative self-talk. Start paying attention to those sneaky little phrases like “I’m terrible with money” or “I’ll never get out of this mess.” Replace them with more constructive thoughts, such as “I’m learning to manage my money” or “I’ve taken the first step by facing this head-on.”

3. Forgive Yourself

No one is perfect, and we’ve all made financial mistakes. Take a moment to forgive yourself for past slip-ups. It’s okay to acknowledge what went wrong without letting it define you. Remember, your worth isn’t tied to your bank balance.

4. Take Small, Manageable Steps

Overcoming money shame doesn’t mean solving everything overnight. Start small: set up a direct debit for that bill you keep missing, create a simple budget, or even just open the banking app you’ve been dreading. Each step forward builds confidence and reduces shame.

5. Celebrate Wins—No Matter How Small

Did you resist the urge to buy something you didn’t need? Celebrate that! Paid off a bit of debt? Give yourself credit. Acknowledging your progress helps you stay motivated and reminds you that change is possible.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, money shame is too overwhelming to tackle alone, and that’s okay. A financial coach can help you unravel those complex feelings and create a plan that works for you. Think of it as getting a personal trainer for your finances—there’s no shame in seeking support.

Let’s Rewrite the Money Story

Money shame can feel like a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to define your relationship with money forever. By facing it with honesty, compassion, and a willingness to change, you can start rewriting your money story into one that’s empowering and shame-free.

So, the next time shame comes knocking, remember: you’re not alone, you’re not a failure, and you’re capable of transforming your financial life—one step at a time.